Remembrance
by Frankie McStein
Summary: Trapper's home, but can he forget? :songfic:
1. trapper's story

Disclaimer- The necessity of this word should be disclaimer enough.  
  
  
The song in this fic is Please Remember. The bits in the *'s are the lyrics. This fic is implied H/T,although it wasn't meant to be, so if you can't handle that, don't read and if you do read don't complain coz you've been warned!  
  
  
Remembrance  
  
I didn't even say good-bye,' was his only thought as he sat waiting. But as the plane took off his mind began to work furiously.  
  
  
  
The swine brothers.  
  
Are you two together?  
In all kinds of weather.  
  
And then the tricks.  
There is no Pioneer Aviation.  
Not so loud my count.  
Mind if I dab along?  
  
Trapper released a shaky sigh as the clouds started to float past his window.  
I didn't even say good-bye.'  
  
  
*Time,  
Sometimes the time just slips away,  
And youre left with yesterday,  
Left with the memories*  
  
  
He knew it would have been impossible to wait. There were other planes of course, but he had a seat booked and the army was not happy to alter it's plans for anyone. Regardless of how desperately they wanted to see their friend one last time.  
  
Ten minutes was probably all the time he would have needed; Hawkeye was already late back. He was willing to bet anything the jeep he had seen tearing up the road was Hawkeye, the crazy driving certainly seemed to match.  
  
If only I could have waited. The army brought us together with no warning at all, and now it's torn us apart in exactly the same way.'  
  
  
*I, I'll always think of you and smile,  
And be happy for the time I had you with me,  
Though we've gone our separate ways,  
I wont forget so don't forget the memories we made*  
  
  
He smiled at the stewardess' polite enquiry and told her he was going home. She seemed satisfied and discreetly slipped him a tissue so he could dry the tears that had suddenly sprung up in his eyes. But he knew it wasn't the thought of seeing his family that was affecting him, but the thought of never seeing Hawkeye.  
  
He rooted round in the small bag he had taken to his seat and sighed with relief as his fingers found what they were looking for. He pulled out the slightly battered photo album and grinned as he remembered how frantically Frank had worked to put it together for General McArthur.  
  
He flipped through the pages until he found the page he wanted. Hawkeye hadn't known that the picture was being taken and Trapper thought it was all the better for the naturalness of it. In it, Hawkeye was laughing and Trapper found himself chuckling as he remembered that infectious sound.  
  
  
*Please remember, please remember,  
I was there for you and you were there for me,  
Please remember, our time together,  
Time was yours and mine and we were wild and free,  
Please remember, please remember me*  
  
  
He continued to look through the pictures as the plane continued to carry him further and further away from those in them. Each picture promoted memories and the hours seemed to pass quickly.   
  
Until he came to a picture of Hawkeye, then time seemed to stand still. Trapper would be willing to swear he spent most of the flight staring at Hawkeye's face, despite time's evidence to the contrary.  
  
  
*Good-bye,  
There's just no sadder word to say,  
And it's sad to walk away,   
With just the memories*  
  
  
As soon as he steeped through the doorway his two little girls flew in to his arms, closely followed by his wife. All four of them were crying, but not even Trapper knew for sure whether he was crying for his family, or his loss.  
  
  
*Who's to know what might have been,  
We leave behind,  
A life and time,  
We'll never know again*  
  
  
The next few weeks were impossibly hard. He'd wake up thinking he heard the call for wounded and expecting Hawkeye to be by his side as usual. He talked endlessly about the people he'd left in Korea. He wrote a letter a day to Hawkeye and received a reply to each. It wasn't until Hawkeye asked after his family he realised he hadn't spent any time with them.  
  
And so he put the photos away in the attic and forced himself to write only after he had received and read a reply.  
  
  
*Please remember, please remember,  
I was there for you and you were there for me,  
I'll remember,  
Please remember me*  
  
  
In time, with nothing to keep them fresh, the memories faded. He no longer compared everything to Korea. Instead, he compared Korea to everything, and found he was happier for it. The only thing he found to be beyond compare was Hawkeye.  
  
There was a lot that reminded him of Hawkeye, and he was always getting letters from him, but Korea was a long way away.  
  
  
*Please remember, please remember,  
I was there for you and you were there for me,  
Please remember our time together,  
When time was your and mine and we were wild and free,  
They'll remember, please remember me*  
  
  
The war ended, but the letters continued. And that was all he got, letters. No matter how much more he wanted, he made himself make do with letters. Hawkeye seemed to understand. He hoped Hawkeye understood. He had always understood before.  
  
Whenever Trapper had needed to talk, or shout, or cry, or drink, Hawkeye had been there for him. He had never believed people as selfless and caring as Hawkeye existed outside of movies. For the first two weeks Trapper had listened to Frank and ignored all Hawkeye's attempts at friendship.  
  
But then Hawkeye had somehow sewn Frank in to his cot. The first inkling Trapper had had of how go a person Hawkeye really was had come when he saw him collapsed on his cot laughing helplessly as Frank tried desperately to get out of bed.  
  
  
*And how we laughed, and how we smiled,  
And how this world was yours and mine,  
And how was no dream was out of reach,  
I stood by you, you stood by me*  
  
  
The next few years in Korea Hawkeye was the only thing that kept Trapper from going mad. Every joke, every trick, every drinking spree, it all added up to equal Trapper's sanity. And he wanted so much to tell him, to let him know how much he had meant to him. But Hawkeye had a life of his own, eve his letters were less frequent now, and Trapper had no right to interfere in that.  
  
  
*We took each day, enjoyed the time,  
We wrote our names across the skies,  
We ran so fast, we ran so free,  
I had you and you had me*  
  
  
7 years,' thought Trapper. 7 years and I have yet to say good-bye.'  
  
A noise from outside made him jump and sent him running to investigate. A car had just pulled up and as Trapper reached the street the driver got out.  
  
  
  
Trapper! You see, I remembered!  
  
  
*Please remember,  
Please remember*


	2. hawkeye's story

Disclaimer- Do you really think I'd be writing fanfiction if I owned these guys and could do more episodes?  
  
A/N- The song in this is My Immortal by Evanescence. The bits in the *'s are the lyrics. Unlike chapter 1 it's 1st person as I always seem to be writing 3rd person so I thought I'd change.  
That's a hint to those who say I'm primarily a one shot writer (you know who you are!)  
  
Remembrance 2- Time Cannot Erase  
  
  
*I'm so tired of being here,  
Suppressed by all of my childish fears,  
And if you have to leave,  
I wish that you would just leave,  
Because your presence still lingers here,  
And it won't leave me alone*  
  
  
He's gone. I keep saying it, over and over, thinking if I say it often enough it'll make sense. But it never does. I don't understand how he's all of a sudden gone. I can't get my head around the fact that I won't be talking with him anymore. I'll still drink, still gamble, still work, still wake up with the cry of choppers ringing in my ears. But when I look over it won't be him I see.   
  
Because he's gone. He's back home with his wife, his kids, with his family. And I'm here. I can't understand it. Hawkeye and Trapper. Pierce and McIntyre. We're always together. We were always together. More so than anyone imagined or suspected. But we're not together anymore. I can't understand how, or why, but he's gone.  
  
  
*These wounds won't seem to heal,  
This pain is just too real,  
There's just to much that time cannot erase*  
  
  
I keep looking at his bunk, expecting to see him lying there as usual. I keep expecting to have him pour me a martini, and deliver it with his usual smile, his usual promise of more to come. But of course, he's not there anymore. I haven't heard from him since he left, without so much as a good-bye. I check the mail everyday, praying that I'll see that familiar scrawl, but there's never anything from him.  
  
Every time I hear the phone in the office ring I prick my ears up, hoping it'll be for me, hoping that he hasn't forgotten me. I never though I was merely a replacement for his family, but maybe I was. I don't want to think things like that, but if he doesn't get in touch with me, I wont have a choice. I have no right to write to him, he has his life back now, and I have no right to interfere with it anymore.  
  
I have nothing to do with his life anymore. It's hard to believe, I don't want to believe. After everything we had, everything we went through. But maybe, maybe that's how he saw it after all. A replacement for the family he'd been forced to leave behind.  
  
  
*When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears,  
And I've held your hand through all of these years,  
But you still have all of me*  
  
A week. A week and no word. I'm slowly going mad. He's gone back to everything he had before, but he's taken something else with him. He's taken me. I can't go back to how it was before he came in to my life. Radar's kiss from his was shy, quick and timid, but I knew exactly how he meant it, I could imagine exactly how it would have been. I still imagine it. Because that's all I have now.  
  
Imagination is what I'm living in. Reality has nothing to offer me anymore. Reality is he's gone. Reality is I'm never going to see him again. Reality is me alone and him with his family. Reality is what we thought we had, but now I realise it was a complete dream.   
  
We never imagined it ending. That was our problem. If we'd have thought at the start about the peace, or the discharge, it would never have happened. As painful as it is, I don't think I would ever give up the time I had with him. Even if it meant nothing to him, it meant everything to me.  
  
  
*You used to captivate me,  
By your resonating light,  
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind,  
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams,  
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me*  
  
  
A letter! I finally got a letter! And he's suffering just as much as I am. He still expects me to be lying next to him when he jerks awake at night. He still expects me to be with him. He misses me. I think I scared Radar when he brought the letter to me. I screamed and hugged him and then tore in to the envelope.  
  
He only talks about us. Me and him. Nothing about home, or family, just us. Just like it should be. Maybe I'm being selfish, trying to keep him like this. He has a family who need him. But if I don't have him through letters, I'll never have him again. I can't just walk in to his families life and expect them to understand.  
  
In a way, this is worse. Before I had almost persuaded myself it had meant nothing. I had almost managed to lock up my emotions. But now I'm writing to him, and I can't keep it hidden any more. I wonder if letters will ever be enough, for either of us.  
  
  
*These wounds wont seem to heal,  
This pain is just too real,  
There's just too much that time cannot erase*  
  
  
I can't believe I'm home. I actually made it! In more ways than one. How I managed to survive those first few weeks with Trapper so far away from me I'll never know. At first, after the first letter, I got a letter almost every day. And I replied to each as soon as I could. It was the only connection I had of him and I was desperate to keep hold of it as long as possible, dreading each day that the letters would stop as suddenly as they had begun.  
  
It took a few weeks for us to calm down. For reality to hit us and for us to realise that there was no way we could change what had happened. We both seemed to catch on to that at the same time, and after I guess we just both accepted it and carried on as we were.  
  
It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but now I've done it, I'm determined to keep it this way. Him and his family are together now. It still tears me up to think we are not together anymore, but that's how it is. That's how it should be, how it always was going to be. Who am I, who is he, to mess with that?  
  
  
*When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears,  
And I've held your hand through all of these years,  
But you still have all of me*  
  
  
We still write. We still exist. I still want so much more. I still can't have it. Time still passes. I still can't understand it. We were together. Then he was gone. No warning, no good bye, no way at all of letting him know my feelings. It's the worst thing the army has done. It's not necessary to kill to ruin lives. Life can be just as devastating as death if altered correctly.   
  
We were so close, and now all we have of each other is a few pieces of paper. From everything to nothing in no time at all. But I can't have any more. It wouldn't be fair on anyone. He has his family and if I saw them all together it may well kill me.   
  
He has his family, they all have each other. I have no one. But I guess this is how it was supposed to be.  
  
  
*I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone,  
And though your still with me,  
I've been alone all along*  
  
  
I was sitting alone. Thinking alone. And I suddenly decided I didn't want to be alone. All of his letters always ended, remember I'm yours.' I suddenly thought he may mean it, and I suddenly decided I wanted to find out.  
  
I caught the next plane out and drove to his house as soon as I could get my hands on a car. He ran out to the street as I got out of the car and I almost froze at seeing him again. I didn't even notice how happy he looked to see me.  
  
  
  
That voice. I had missed it so much and as I found my voice I said the only thing I could.  
  
Trapper! You see, I remembered!  
  
He ran forwards and I ran forwards and we lost ourselves in the touch of the other, just like we always had done. It didn't matter that years had passed since we last saw or held each other. There are some memories that time can never erase.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
There will be a third chapter to this if you want it, about their lives together now. I'm not sure how it's going to go coz I haven't written it yet and if I don't get any interest in it I wont bother. So please let me know. Pleeeeease?


	3. together

Disclaimer- I hate saying this over and over again. But the only way to avoid saying it is to stop writing. I'll say it. Don't own, don't sue.  
  
A/N- This chapter contains very strong m/m sexual implications. If you don't like, don't read, and if you do read don't report me coz you've had fair warning. \~\ denotes a flashback  
  
  
Remembrance 3. Together with each other  
  
  
He awoke slowly, stretching luxuriantly. A lazy sigh escaped him as his body covered near the entire bed. A small sound flittered up to him from down stairs and a smile crept over his face. He kicked off the cover and literally jumped out of bed, running downstairs. A wonderful smell was issuing from the kitchen and he slowly tiptoed up behind the figure standing by the table.  
  
Trapper jumped violently as Hawkeye's arms snaked around his waist and a chuckle sounded in his ear.  
Jeez Hawk! he yelled, spinning round and knocking a chair flying, are you trying to give me a heart attack?  
  
It wouldn't matter. I am a doctor remember? Trapper laughed and wrapped his arms around Hawkeye's shoulders, pulling him close.  
  
Why don't you sit down and eat breakfast Mr. Doctor? Trapper whispered, feeling a shudder run through the body he was holding as his breath blew across Hawkeye's ear. Unless of course you'd rather put some clothes on first?  
  
Hawkeye's laugh rang through the kitchen and Trapper's soon joined it. The two stood like that, wrapped in each others arms, long after the laughter had died away. A seriousness replaced the light atmosphere and both men felt it. Trapper's hand moved to Hawkeye's face and he watched as the blue eyes in front of him darkened. They both shivered as their bodies drew nearer, and heir lips quickly closed they remaining distance. It took a long time for the food to leave the table that morning.  
*** *** *** *** ***  
  
Later, when Hawkeye had left for the surgery, Trapper fell to wondering about his wife. He hadn't seen her for almost three months now. Ever since Hawkeye had finally come back to him.  
  
\~\   
  
Trapper! You see, I remembered!  
  
He had been so focused on holding Hawkeye, Trapper hadn't even noticed when his wife had walked out of the house.  
  
They pulled apart at the sound of her voice.  
  
Louise. This is Haw... um, Ben. Ben, my wife, Louise.  
Hawkeye held out his hand and turned on his devastatingly charming smile.  
Call me Hawkeye, please.  
  
Louse blushed slightly, but then her gaze turned to Trapper and a vague look of suspicion entered her eyes.  
You'd better come in. John's told to me a lot about you and how you helped him during the war.  
She turned and walked back in to the house, both men following her with puzzled expressions. Louise started talking as soon as they were all sitting down.  
  
In case your wondering Hawkeye, John and I, our marriage is over. It has been for a long time. I know John had lovers in Korea and to stop you feeling sorry for me I'll tell you frankly that I did too.  
She turned to Trapper who had a bemused look on his face.  
  
I'm sorry John, I did love you once. All I ask now is we don't drag this out, I don't want our girls to suffer. If you agree to me having them through the week, I'll agree to them spending the weekend, Friday to Monday, with you. Providing you get them off to school on time of course.  
  
She moved to a drawer and pulled a sheaf a papers out of one of the drawers.  
I had my lawyer draw these up a few weeks ago. All you need to do is sign them.  
  
Trapper was packing a few minutes later.  
Lucky Dad thought to phone ahead and book a hotel room for me, remarked Hawkeye as he steered the car away from the curb. I didn't think to.  
  
Trapper laughed, a genuine laugh that hadn't been heard very often for the last seven years and Hawkeye smiled to hear it.  
  
I've missed that laugh, said Hawkeye softly, glancing away from the road to flash a smile at Trapper.  
  
I've missed you, cam the reply. Those three words conveyed a wealth of emotions and Trapper knew that Hawkeye retuned everyone of them. \~\  
  
Trapper smiled at the memory. He had moved to Crabapple Cove just a few days later, and had been there ever since. Hawkeye had taken over from his father at the local surgery and Trapper had easily taken up some of the slack. The only thing he missed was his girls; neither he nor Louise were willing to let them fly to Crabapple Cove, so he was only seeing them once a month when he flew out to see them.  
  
But as a result, he was closer to his girls than he had been before, and, of course, he got to see Hawkeye every day. In his mind, those two facts more than made up for the loss of a woman he no longer felt any thing for.  
  
Not that everything had been sugary and sweetness for him and Hawkeye. A few of the people in the cove had their suspicions and had refuses to go to the surgery anymore, they took the bus in to town instead. And telling anyone about their relationship was definitely out. Neither had any illusions as to the reaction of the medical board should their sexual preferences come to their attention.  
  
A sigh escaped him as he settled back in his chair. He really wished he could let everyone know. But it was out of the question. A sudden smile jumped on to his face as he heard the front door click open. Hawkeye was home for dinner, and in that second Trapper saw his life as it would be, as it should be.  
  
He would stay with Hawkeye, in Crabapple Cove. There would be reunions, and deaths, and mariages, and births, and through it all they would be together with each other. If love always finds a way, it didn't need any directions for him and Hawkeye. They already knew exactly where they were going.  
  
They were going to eternity, and they were going with each other.  
  
  
  
  
Ok, this wasn't what I was expecting it to be. I seem to say that a lot, have you noticed? Anyway, that's not what I wanted to say. What I did want to ask is- the Doctor in Rainbow Bridge, is called Lin Tang. Does anyone know if that's the right way to spell his name?


End file.
